If My Heart Was a House

All these thoughts and feelings
Racing through my head
I can’t erase your touch from my heart,
The memory of your kiss burnt into my lips.
How I long to hold you,
This very moment.
Promises made in solitude,
Forgive me for the times,
When I can’t shelter you from your demons,
When I can’t hold you tight,
And whisper in your ear how much I love you.
Forgive me,
When my words spill over themselves,
And I struggle to make sense.
Your face fills my dreams,
Your voice rings in my head.
I close my eyes,
And know that you are right here with me,
Our hearts are together,
Though apart, we’re never too far.
Forgive me for the distance,
Forgive me for my fear.
I stare into your eyes,
And a thousand conversations take place,
Not a word needs to be said,
I see you,
For everything you are.
You dodged my defenses,
You broke through my walls,
I have no need to hide from you,
You are all I want.
My closest friend,
My love.
When our fingers entwine,
And I pull you close,
My heart beat races,
My breathing speeds,
I am mesmerized by your eyes,
Shining brighter than any star.
You simply cannot understand
What you have done to me,
I have never felt so loved,
And I am at peace.
Can you feel my heart,
Though we are so far apart?
You are my home,
I long to return soon.

Never Again

You make me want to scream
To give up,
To not even try,
To say it is just not worth it.
How can this make you happy?
Does despair truly bring you joy?
Anger ravages my bones,
My rage has wearied my soul.
Too long this has gone on,
Too long I’ve let you have control.
Mistake after mistake
Has led up to this,
And I am so ready to let go.
Arms wide open,
Preparing for this jump,
The cliff is so welcoming,
The hands at the bottom,
So willing to bring me into darkness.
Wouldn’t that just thrill you.
To be the death of me.
Your touch is toxic,
Your words a poison
I grew accustomed to.
This game is over,
I’m letting go,
Get out of my head,
Stop talking,
Leave me alone,
Forget me,
As I forget you.

Something New

My thoughts are racing,
And I’ve lost track of reality,
My thoughts are ransacked,
Pieces of rubble
As I struggle to understand
How I got here.
You entered my life.
Now I’m left questioning
Everything I thought I ever understood.
I’m not alone,
Your hand is in mine,
You’re on this journey with me.
Where did you come from?
I can’t fathom where we’re going.
Do you know what’s going on?
The moment you took my hand,
We began this trip,
My heart is no longer my own,
We’re sprinting forward.
No promises of safety,
No guarantees.
I’m right here with you,
As we chase the sunrise
Of something new.
The race began yesterday,
And I’m not willing to quit.
I’m still wondering
How this will end,
But isn’t it about the journey,
Not the destination?
With you by my side,
I have your back,
We can make this work,
We’ll get to the end.
Is this a race,
You want to win?

Underserved Joy

Every mistake ever made,
Swirling through my consciousness,
Reminding me with every waking moment,
That I don’t deserve this.
I’m afraid to close my eyes at night,
In fear that when they open,
You’ll be gone,
Just as fast as you came.
As an angel of the night,
You arrived,
Bringing a God-sent peace.
You will never know
What you’ve done to my heart,
You’ll never understand
The healing you’ve started.
I lay awake at night
Wondering if you’re thinking of me,
The way I think of you.
You are so perfect,
I fear you are merely a dream.
How I long to touch your face,
To hold you close,
And whisper promises in your ear,
Of how we’ll be together forever.
The craziest of circumstances
Has brought us together,
Yet I cannot imagine my life
Any other way.

A New Beginning

I wish there was some way
To give you back
Everything you’ve given me.
Something has changed inside,
I feel like I’ve been given a second chance.
I bore my heart,
And you continued to hold it.
You didn’t throw it away,
Like every other one.
How can I make you proud of me?
You can do no wrong,
Your words are like fire,
Stirring this healthy pain
In my heart
I’ve never experienced.
Can’t you see?
I’m new.
Like a breath of fresh air,
Like a cold shower
After mowing the lawn.
The smell after a storm,
I can feel you,
Moving me forward.
The weight’s been lifted,
The games are over,
Tomorrow is a new day,
The freshest start.

Safe

Far from perfect
Everything is falling apart
As the memories come racing back
The mistakes start stacking.
How did I get so far off track?
This is the last step
The last chance.
I cannot ruin this one,
My last promise.
Tell me I stand a chance
Console my heart,
I can’t stand to lose this one.
Come so far,
I feel my fingers
Slowly losing their grip
On every slippery hold
That was once so solid.
There was no lie in her eyes,
I cannot shake
The fear that is choking
All sense of hope
That this is following the path
That I wish so desperately to have.
Options have been exhausted,
As I sit here,
I can only pray
That I am still everything
You say I am,
Far from a failure,
Yet never reaching perfection.
Take me by the hand,
Carry me to the destination,
My body is weary,
My legs cannot hold me any longer.
My strength is gone,
All that’s left is you…
Thank you,
For being everything you always said you were.

Dream On

Page after page of pure perfection
Dreams coming true
At the turn of every page.
The guy always gets
The girl of his dreams,
And the girl always gets
Mr. Perfect.
Pure imagination,
Manipulation at its best.
My story’s been told
A hundred times,
Yet nothing can touch
This novel my heart has written
A million times over.
Unease fills my chest
As you start to read.
Our dreams are so different,
Yet they somehow coincide.
You often ask,
Why can’t my life,
Be more like those books,
When the answer is so clear
They are but fantasy,
Someone else's fiction.
Reality is filled with
Wrong choices,
Heartache,
Despair,
All the while knowing
All the love and joy,
That fantasy only focus on.
All my life’s lessons,
Come from living,
From experience,
From dreaming,
And striving
To make my hopes and dreams
Become a reality,
Something a child's imagination
Could not think up.
Dreams becoming reality,
Far more than a story can create.

Galaxies Collide

The sun descends
After the utmost
Of perfection. 
Beauty dripping down
The fabrics of the sky. 
Failures erased
As mistakes are dried. 
The stars sing
Their quiet melody
As you and I dance
In the twilight. 
The moon watches quietly
As a perfect night is made. 
There she stands
In all her wonder,
Imaginations are silenced
For they cannot compare. 
This world is our dancefloor,
As we move
With boundless grace. 
Take my hand,
The day will never end,
As you are in my arms. 

A Place to Rest

Air came crashing down
As the ocean whispered
The secrets we
Were never meant to know. 
Never before has so much
Been hidden in the noise,
And so much declared
In the utter silence. 
Pressure building
Seeking a release. 
What have we ever known
About peaceful conflict. 
Nobody's listening
To the voices
As the greatest story ever told
Is being written. 
Light floods the darkness,
Darkness retaliates,
What chance does a lie stand
Against truth?
Clamped shut,
My mouth contiues to scream. 
What more is there,
So much more,
Time to breathe,
Relax,
Live. 

Pain

I wish there was a way
For you to understand
The hell you've put me through.
The blood is still fresh
From every wound
You have ever caused me.
The ending to the story was so close
I could actually taste it.
You stole the ending
Right at the climax of pain.
An indescribable rage
Fills my soul
When I see
All the damage you've wrought.
You've burned your face
Into more lives than I thought possible. 
I can't take this war anymore,
Just go away. 
Forget closure,
Forget healing.
Just go away,
Time won't heal these scars,
But at least you can't
Give me any fresh ones.
I've had enough.
Before the beast gets released
Take a hint.
The trauma of a new beginning
Is something
I can't wait to sink
My teeth into. 
Please,
Spare me just this once,
Allow me just this one escape. 
Leave me alone,
And just disappear. 

Welcome to the Masquerade

You've got me feeling
Something a little more than worthless,
But far less than human.
Something changed.
When did you trade the roadmap
For a joke?
I promised you had me,
Somehow I'm far from good enough.
I don't know you anymore
And I wonder if I ever did.
Trust me when I say
You're not worth trusting.
The stars aligned
In a pattern they were never meant to.
I find myself laughing
There's nothing funny,
Yet it's laughable.
Did you really think
I was that blind?
I can still see clearly
Even when you think I'm clueless.
Maybe nievity is a blessing
But I don't have that gift.
Sorry.

Love Unto Death

Sick to my stomach
As the numbness takes over.
Where did these feelings come from?
I can't count the number of deaths
I've died by your hands.
Slain by your sword
With a bloodlust
My blood can not satiatate.
I find myself constantly at your mercy,
Never knowing
What the end result will be. 
I long to trust you,
I just don't have the answers
Or the willpower
To resist any longer.
Can you hear this whisper?
I love you, 
But I fear this love
Will be the death of me.

Note

Since I'm making this blog (a little more) public, I might as well make this clear (again) to everyone who reads: These notes are not about anyone specific, there might be a couple from a while back that are about a specific group of people, but it is so much easier to write and identify a group or type of person as a single entity.

I write from my heart, it just flows. I write when I'm frustrated, I write when I'm sad. I write just to write sometimes. There's not necessarily any rhyme or reason to what I write, it's just me being me. I'm not a journaling type of person, but this is the closest I come. In my notes I vent, I think, I relax and process. Please don't try to read into what I'm writing, it's not for you to interpret. If I want you to know what I was getting at, or what was going on in my mind, ask me, I might let you know. But don't accuse me of being depressed or angry, or anything ridiculous like that.

Zach

All These Things (Revolve Around You)

There are so many thoughts
Racing through my mind
Memories collide
Temporarily causing me to forget reality.
I need you here,
I can’t hear your voice anymore,
I need to see your face,
Your hand wrapped in mine,
Under the stars
On those summer nights,
Take me back to those times.
I can’t stop thinking,
I can’t sleep
Because I can’t shut my mind off,
Every though begins with you
And a question,
Did I do the right thing?
Am I making the right choice?
So many words are lost
And you haven’t heard a single one.
Do you care?
Do you want to know?
Take me back to yesterday
Twisting the hands of time
To give me my chance back.
I never got my shot,
But this time,
I’m not missing my chance.
This story’s not over
Until you’re here with me.

I Should Tell You

So tell me this:
Why can’t I get you out of my head?
Baby, you mean more to me
Than you should.
A longing so deep in my soul
It got lost on its way out.
Oh how she longs to divulge
Every thought whispered,
Every word missed,
Every look misunderstood.
So many things from the past,
Things left unsaid
That should have been screamed out loud..
As the clock tick tocks
To the final moment,
A mystery finale
Neither could guess.
Countless secrets
Begin telling the alternate ending,
The kind the director explains.
Are things better left unsaid?
What are my choices?
I sit staring
At the darkening sky,
Everything on my mind.
What’s more,
You’ve figured out how to run
The never-ending marathon in my head.
One touch,
Like a burn across my arm
That remains forever etched.
Scars remain,
But you’re still here,
Unforgotten.

Masterpiece

Brushes with no paint,
She creates beautiful murals
Through the halls of my mind.
Something unforeseen,
Vibrancy blinds.
A heart that caught me off guard.
I’m lost in the pursuit,
Afraid I can’t keep up.
Is this for real,
Have I lost touch
With my reality?
Another touch
And time races
Unyieldingly forward.
I need a moment
One frozen in time
Never leave me,
Remain here forever.
As the ground sweeps me up,
I need the solid foothold.
My strength has left me,
Heartstrings are fraying,
Urgency is gone,
I surrender.
My thoughts
Now bleed your vibrancy,
Purpose and direction,
Alone no more,
Meaning,
Take the mess,
Turn it into your masterpiece.