One in a Million

The beginning of something new
Is always
The scariest place to start.
So many secrets,
So many thoughts raging
Try to keep up
As everything spills over.
I long to look
Into your eyes
To fully understand you.
What is the meaning of this,
As my hearts drums
Against my ribcage,
And my pulse races rapidly.
All you are doing
Is smiling at me
A smile that calms oceans,
You bring a joy,
You don’t understand.
My heart is breaking
Into millions of pieces
I can’t catch them all
As they fall.
It aches at the thought
Of you leaving,
Walking away.
You are not mine,
Will you ever be?
Are you just a dream?
Or will you stay
A part of my reality.

Someday We'll Know

There’s an ache in my heart
That I cannot describe.
This ache comes
When I see you
And realize
I can never be with you.
When you hurt,
And seem to be
Falling apart at the seams,
I am the one there,
With my arms around you
Trying to hold you together.
He is always there,
But He uses me to help you.
I love you
With all my heart,
But I know
You do not share that feeling.
The thoughts
Run like a waterfall,
Consuming my every minute.
One day I’ll share,
One day you’ll know.
But for now,
I will not lead you
Into confusion,
Not knowing what to do.
I will not wait
Until it is too late,
For that is more than I can bear.

Sometimes

Sometimes
I just don't know
What to say.
The words come out all wrong,
My thoughts spill out over each other,
And the confusion is clear.
The only song
My heart wants to sing
Is of the love
I have for you.
Fear of the unknown
Mistrust of my feelings,
Doubt of yours
All hold me back.
My heart aches,
My stomach is turning.
Where is this going?
Will the future ever be clear?
I'd fight the tides for you,
But are up for the fight as well?

Burning candles

In this hopeless abandon
Something inside me is
Screaming for more.
It was never supposed
To be this way,
But I don't know any different.
The changes inside take root
As the darkness creeps throughout.
The volume of message
Was all too clear,
The messenger
Came far too near.
Where is this going,
Why are you leading?
As the pen
Crosses this paper,
I'm reminded
Of the cold fingers
Around my throat
That prevent
The secrets from escaping.
As a candle sheds
Light in a black room
So shall I,
Figure this out
And find the end.
Darkness can only last so long
Enjoy your time left.

Dreams

My heart swells
At the mere thought
Of holding your hand,
Or your head on my shoulder,
As you fall asleep.
The peace you exude
Is enough to calm
Even my restless nerves.
Someone like you
Can get any guy you want,
But somehow I have
Your undivided attention.
What could I possibly
Ever have done to earn your attention?
I'm afraid to close
My eyes at night,
Out of fear
When I reopen them,
You will be only
An incredible dream.
The kind of dream
You never want to have
Because you're afraid
Nothing like that
Could ever happen in real life.
You surprise me every day,
There you are,
With the smile of an angel,
And the embrace of someone who loves me,
I know you're real,
And I can't stop loving you.

Crush

Don’t toy with my mind
This is the point we’ve reached.
Is this really what is going on?
The confession my heart has whispered
More times than I can count,
You mean more to me
Then I even know how to tell you.
A fear has gripped me for so long,
The fear of not knowing.
Will you accept me?
Will this ruin the friendship we have?
Acid burns in my chest
When I see another guy
Talking to you like that,
And the smile that lights up your face.
More and more I realize
My life isn’t like the movies.
The guy doesn’t always get the girl
Prince Charming doesn’t always come
Riding on the white horse.
I hope and pray
That you can see and hear me,
Will my confession
Fall on deaf ears?
Does it even matter
What you mean to me?
I’m not famous,
I’m nothing special,
I’m just the one
Who wants to hold you
In his arms,
And be the one there for you always.
Does it even matter?
It may be just a crush,
But I don’t care.
All I want is you,
Do you feel the same?

A Thousand Goodbyes

Why is it when I’m around you
I feel like a tiger in a zoo
A metallic cage as my prison
Set out for all to point and stare.

I feel like the main attraction
In your sick masquerade you call life.
The party scene all too attractive
For you to use some brain cells and walk away.

As the words left my mouth, I regretted them right away
How could you make me say I love you,
You angel of wrath.
You opened my eyes to a pain only the heart can feel,
I need to wake up, to forget everything
Move on, lessons learned, get me out of here.

I wish I could paint for you
An accurate picture of the torture you’ve put me through.
I wish I could count the times all the times I said goodbye,
All the times I swore I would never come back.

My heart swore you could change
My mind knows you’re too far gone
The sickness in the pit of my stomach should have been enough
Of a red flag for me to know what I was doing wrong.

As the words left my mouth, I regretted them right away
How could you make me say I love you,
You angel of wrath.
You opened my eyes to a pain only the heart can feel
I need to wake up, to forget everything.
Move on, lessons learned, get me out of here.

Show me something new, prove me wrong
Show me I don’t have you all figured out
There has never been a time like now,
Where I’ve wanted to be wrong, as bad as I do now.
Everything around me is screaming to walk away and give up
Let me go, walk away, this games over
Thing’s changed, and it never will

As the words left my mouth, I regretted them right away
How could you make me say I love you,
You angel of wrath.
You opened my eyes to a pain only the heart can feel
I need to wake up, to forget everything
Move on, lessons learned, get me out of here.

Confessions

I see you nearly everyday
We talk all the time.
Before we’re even close
To being done hanging out,
We’re already planning
The next time.
There is so much similarity
Between us,
And yet there is also
Much difference.
You are probably
One of the most real things
In my life.
I hate it when I’m not near you,
I miss you incredibly
When you’re away.
I honestly feel
Like I’ve known you forever.
You may think I’m crazy,
Heck, you’ve told me so
Countless times,
But I need you.
I love you,
More than you could understand.
You blow me off,
And I’m still here.
You cling to me
During hard times,
And I ache
As you explain
I’ve never seen you cry,
You’re strong,
But you can’t hide.
I know you far too well.
All this time,
I thought you knew
What has gone on
In my head.
Clearly I’m wrong,
And you haven’t caught on.
Soon enough,
I’m coming clean,
And I’ll make sure
You know how I feel.
I love you,
And I need you,
I understand
You may not feel
The same way.
But maybe,
Just maybe…
I’m wrong.
I hope
That you just keep
Your cards close,
And play them
At just the right time.
You know
How to make me jealous,
You know
How to make me respond.
As cliché as it sounds,
No one has ever made me feel
The way that you do.
I pray,
That we will be together…
One day.
Even if it is years down the road.

Stricken

Falling slowly away
I reach for your hand,
But it is just beyond my grasp.
Why can’t I reach you,
Why do you run?
There cannot be any other,
Can you not see?
Six years
We’ve been playing this game.
I need an end,
I need a resolution.
Tell me
Where this path leads
Does it intertwine?
Does it disconnect?
Are we so separate
You cannot even see the choice?
The bell tolls,
And your eyes are opened.
I fear the moment
Is nearly too late.
Is the madness over,
Can you honestly tell,
Show me the way
Make it clear,
Tell me now.
Accept the call
Trust me once more.
The bond that cannot break
Proves once more.
Try as you have,
It has not been shaken.
One more attempt,
You see it has withstood trial.
I beg you please,
Just listen.
Logic points only one direction,
What is your final decision?
Betray logic,
Or accept love.
The choice,
I fear,
Remains only in your hands.

Far Better to Learn

Darkness in silence
Bitterness locked away
A resilient rage
Storming against my heart.
Heartstrings come undone
As I listen to the wind
Her silent whisper
A curse in my mind.
I can’t take this anymore
The memories spilling over
Consuming every word
Every thought,
Every movement.
A maelstrom of chaos,
You thought
You owned me
From the beginning.
Things must change
Where do they begin.
As I recount the destruction
I can taste the poison
In your every word.
The sickness slowly taking over,
My eyes start to fail me.
As darkness begins
To shroud the light.
I can no longer see
But I can feel it
Slowly taking over
If I give into it,
I’m already dead
One last struggle
The final breath
You cannot win,
No, not even in death.
The bittersweet quiet
Finally grants relief.
Revenge is dead,
While mercy lives on.

Let the Rain Fall Down

Sitting here
Listening to the rain
I am once again reminded
Of a memory
Trapped in the pits
Trying to resurface,
While long forgotten.
Some memories
Are better left forgotten,
But I struggle
Deciding if this is one
Is worth remembering.
The rain
Paints a stunning picture
The kind that crushes the soul
While trying to forget
A pain that seared the skin.
Long walks in the rain
A peace overcomes my soul
I cannot articulate.
Walking in silence,
Side by side,
You never left me
Conversations that needed
No words
An entire discussion
In a passing glance.
The embrace
That left its mark.
The scar
Invisible to their eyes,
Plain as day to my heart.
Hands lifted high
In surrender
To the only One
Who knows.
A silent kiss
Goodnight to the sky,
I hold your hand
One final time.
As my hand
Falls limp to my side,
I clench my fist,
Forcing my hand
To never forget your touch.

Simply Being Loved

Sometimes
Memories are the real pain.
I see you walk by,
My heart remembers your touch,
My hands remember
The warmth of your hands.
My soul remembers the promises.
Are memories
Better left forgotten?
You haunt my nightmares,
As often as you haunt my days.
Shadowy memories,
Almost the most painful.
I can’t forget you,
I can’t shake
The memories from my mind.
I’ve moved on,
Found someone new.
The shiny new toy
Doesn’t exist.
Just the new love,
The One that sees
Me for me.
I take her hand,
Like I took yours.
Something’s different.
I don’t remember you
When I’m with her.
She knows me
Better than you did,
She has seen my soul
And did not turn away like you.
I look into her eyes,
Like I looked into yours.
I see love,
I don’t see reservations,
Like I saw in yours.
Reminded
Over and over,
You were never
The One.
She may be,
I now remember
What love tastes like.

Rescue Me

Yearning for the silent escape,
I can taste the poison
On my tongue.
The screams come out
Raging against my soul.
My heart is lost,
Aching to need,
Aching to love,
Aching for love.
The kiss of Death
Is all too sweet.
Reaching out
Trying to find
That one solid grip.
I can’t see you
But it’s my heart
That was leading,
And the reason
For the relentless bleeding.
Creeping along,
Take my hand,
Lead me to that place.
The one that will save me,
Take me there,
I need to be rescued.

Vacation's Over

My heart is raging
Against my ribcage,
Screaming for justice.
How can you just stand by
When I am bound down like this?
This fury sets me free,
Shows me I truly am alone.
The suffocating silence
Is the true enemy.
The pin drop wasn’t evident
But the kiss said it all.
I hate how you’ve changed me,
I hate what you’ve shown me.
I can’t take
The memory
Of your face any longer.
Thrashing about,
I try to rip
Your face from my mind.
My conscience is clean,
My sight is clear.
I refuse to continue
To be destroyed by you
Day after day.
I’ve been through this
Far too many times.
Get out of my head
Get out of my dreams.
Walk into my nightmares,
And never return.

The Darkest Night

Shattered to pieces
Forgotten the light
I’m sorry
I cannot be everything
You want me to be
Forgive me
For being imperfect
Flawed
Defective
I’m not the sparkling jewel you want.
Ineloquent
Self-conscious
My bleeding fist
Through the mirror
Is the true reflection
Of how I feel.
This bitter cold darkness
Has crept in,
Tainting the light.
This can’t be real,
You wouldn’t know
The real me,
Even if I showed you.
You wouldn’t want to anyway.
One more smile,
One more wave,
One more lonely glance,
I can get through this day.
I lost myself
And I don’t know
Where to find me.
The mask has been on
For far too long
I don’t know
Who I am anymore.
Vicious thoughts take over,
Ravaging my brain.
Careening out of control,
I stumble around.
When will my voice
Finally go above
This wretched ceiling

Silent Night

I cut my heart out
Throw it off to the side,
Let it bleed and die on its own.
It doesn’t need your help,
You’ve done enough already.
What a sudden,
Sick turn of events.
You opened my eyes
In a way you will never understand.
In a sleepless slumber,
My eyes still haven’t adjusted.
I held out my hand,
Yet I saw the void
In your eyes
As you slapped my hand away.
It never meant anything,
Just as you said.
One final kiss goodnight,
And I’m finally awake.

This Is A Call

How to speak the words out loud
That have been in silence for so long.
Four years have passed,
And nothing has changed.
In my mind,
I’ve screamed from mountain tops
How much you mean to me.
I’ve told you how I want
To spend the rest of my life with you
To protect you
To love you.
It’s so much different
To say it straight out
I’m not even a second thought
In your head
We’re the good friends,
But that’s all you’ve ever considered.
You chase all the others,
But you forget about me
Every time in the process.
You’re not the best one for me,
But you’re all I want.
I’m not the best you could ever have,
But I guarantee I love you the most.
I want to be the one your with,
To hold your hand
To be at your side,
During ever success,
Every failure,
Every trial.
Give me the chance.

Far Away

Something’s wrong with this picture.
The lines are fading,
Colors are turning gray,
Definitions losing their meaning.
I’m holding it
Looking for the hidden meaning
That piece that was forgotten.
Brilliance is forgotten,
The vibrant colors are long gone.
Closing my eyes,
I can still picture your face
As you handed me this picture.
You gave it to me,
Telling me to never forget you.
I haven’t forgotten,
I’ve kept my promise.
Two years later, and I’m still waiting.
Your eyes are stones in this picture,
They couldn’t capture the softness,
The love,
The life.
The prayers never cease,
I count every moment
Waiting for your next call.
Return to me safely,
I need to in my arms
More than I can describe.